well. from a psychology perspective, this is fascinating - fei du deals in concepts of memory, because it's a pet project of his. he finds himself watching it with a sort of rapt fascination, and when the memory ends, he pulls his gaze away from the now fleeing pig that will inevitably return, and lets it land on kyoko. ]
...Your team from home? [ because he's no idiot - he can see what she lingered on long after, even though he has about twenty five questions about her lore to ask ]
[She doesn't particularly mind when it's her giving out the information. The problem is when it's suddenly given out without her consent.]
The one with the goggles is my dear assistant. The others are her friends. We did end up working together quite often. [Teams... More like a collection of people who had a similar goal. It wasn't nearly as tight knit as the teams are here.]
[ he nods to that - god, imagine if tao ran was here, he and wenzhou would both go simply feral, and lets the silence fall for a moment. inevitably he is playing with duckhe. ]
I've been acting as "Kyoko Kuremi" for the past eight years. At this point I think of us as the same person. I am her, and she is me. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense. You're very much Kyoko to me.
[ even after learning all this wildin information. she's still kyoko!
of course, this talk about identity and memory and being a person seems like it summons a visitor. by which i mean, a stupid little pig skitters right back across their path, and this time, the memories seem to be from fei du's point of view... ]
[ after zhou huaixin is stabbed, repeatedly, in front of you, after you speak with his brother, after you call luo wenzhou and he picks you up, after the entire debacle with him in your house, you finally, finally, get a moment to yourself and your thoughts.
and that's the thing about it - they are your thoughts. they've been drilled into you by the malicious and purposeful actions of your father, who showed his love to you by making sure you were his protege. countless lessons were taught in the basement of the home where your family spent the most of their time. countless images as you sat at a tiny, rosewood desk, and watched your father beat your mother. countless words, as fei chengyu placed a hamster as small as your palm in your tiny, tiny hand, and talked to you about what life and death were really were. countless lessons as he placed a band of iron around your neck, punished your instincts of kindness with the tightening of a band that made you choke. countless lectures on how life and death were yours to control, how they didn't matter, how if people needed to die they just needed to die. how you were going to be his perfect heir, as he tucked your hair behind your ear and you trembled strapped into a chair. a monster well developed.
but the furniture in the basement of the home has been replaced. you still own the childhood house, passed on to you. it's exactly in the condition it was when the woman who lived here died, except for this room.
now that you own it, the basement has been remodeled. in the center of the room is a chair, surrounded by floor to ceiling LED screens. a small computer sits on a table by the chair, and a small refrigerator sits beside it. the room smells faintly, just barely, of blood.
you make your way down the stairs into the basement, and you shut the door behind you. you can still see the images in your head: huaixin, dying in front of you, how you felt for a moment this was just an animal, not a human being. the blood, blood from his stab wound, blood on his shirt, on the ground under his corpse, how sick and nauseous you felt seeing it - but how numb you felt, how you didn't know what the people around you were feeling, how you should feel, the way it felt like you were split in two parts, your father's voice -
"Every moment is death. The only thing that doesn't change is the sack of skin made of carbohydrates. If you feel an emotional connection to the sack of skin, isn't it like anthropomorphizing the pork on your plate? It's a sort of delusional disorder."
that numb emotional disconnect is still there, uncomfortable in your chest, almost too comfortable. you drop into the chair, calmly, and you reach for the leather belts, and tie them. around your arm. around your chest. around your waist. strapping yourself in. you take the electrodes and put them on your chest through your open shirt. you consider the emetics in the fridge, and then decide against it.
(Clinical research says there are several disadvantages to the use of drugs: the cerebral depressant effect may interfere with the patient's ability to form responses)
you reach over your head for the headphones on the edge of the chair, mechanically, and you put them over your head. take a deep breath in the disconnect and lack of emotion. feel the lack of care. feel it pushing at the edges of your definition of self. your hands are shaking again.
you type something one handed onto the little computer and hit a button. the sound of electricity buzzes through the chair around you, and you loll your head to look at the screen, eyes open. you hit play.
the video screens flare to life as the music plays over your headphones - a hysterical scream breaks through the cutting of the music, and the screens flash on in front of you. it's a direct broadcast of a murder, the victim screaming like a dying farm animal as the man killing them stabs into them with a knife - you raise me up so i can stand on mountains -
the minute it appears, you push a button - violently, electricity pulses through your body, sends you jolting and shuddering. again. again, as the video continues - people being beheaded, executed by firing squad - every time you see the image, you electrocute yourself - it hurts, it hurts it hurts - you hate pain and pain is watching other people suffer, pain is knowing that other people hurt, people's lives shouldn't be taken violently and cruelly you won't be a monster, you will do this over and over to yourself until you can't anymore, you will throw up the contents of your stomach at the sight of blood because you won't be what fei chengyu wanted you to be, you won't
( The use of the apparatus follows classical conditioning technique. The stimulus to which aversion is to be produced is presented, and then a shock is administrated. This procedure is repeated throughout the treatment session of 20 to 30 minutes, which can be held up to six times a day. The strength of the shock should be adjusted so that it is as painful as the patient can bear. )
[Kyoko Kuremi is not a real human, despite all outward expressions as such. So she watches, she feels the memory and absorbs it. Not as her own like when she took over Kyoko. Just another bit of information, of data, of understanding.
The ways humans act and the ways humans suffer. The kind of training someone like Fei Du goes through in order to be different to the person his father wanted of him. The electricity that he puts his body through.
She isn't one to judge.
How could she, when she's never been human herself?
it's not the response he's really expecting, but... should he be surprised? fei du looks up at her from where he was sort of loss in the sauce of his own memories, feeling the phantom ache of electric shock long after it's over.
it means a lot to come from kyoko, really, because fei du knows she gets it, in a way that maybe no one else can. (at least - at least not anymore.) ]
...Thank you.
[ fei du says, soft, as he takes his gaze away, exhaling the tension that comes from the stupid memories.]
I don't either. [ not when he's been so careful to make sure he's trained himself well. ]
[A Digimon is a digital monster, but that doesn't make them all monstrous. In her eyes, a human who is trying not do harm... isn't that kindness? Shouldn't that be something to be appreciated? To undo the damage that his father caused him.
She watches as he looks away, doesn't reach out this time. Thinks better of it for now. Sometimes people need time to process, and this particular memory seems heavy. For him. For anyone.]
[ he's quiet as he processes it and lets the memory fade. his throat hurts, and he lets his gaze fall across the room to wherever his little duck companion is snoozing, watching it for a long moment as he recalibrates.
and, eventually: ]
... I think that if I make one false move, I will become one. I don't intend to do that.
[ fei du says, quietly. for all of their bickering and fooling around, he believes this with every part of his being, though he'd never, ever say it to wenzhou's face. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
W4: Monday
Oh.
[It's not a big secret that she's a Digimon in their team. But her gaze stays focused in on her teammate after everything else is said.]
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well. from a psychology perspective, this is fascinating - fei du deals in concepts of memory, because it's a pet project of his. he finds himself watching it with a sort of rapt fascination, and when the memory ends, he pulls his gaze away from the now fleeing pig that will inevitably return, and lets it land on kyoko. ]
...Your team from home? [ because he's no idiot - he can see what she lingered on long after, even though he has about twenty five questions about her lore to ask ]
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The one with the goggles is my dear assistant. The others are her friends. We did end up working together quite often. [Teams... More like a collection of people who had a similar goal. It wasn't nearly as tight knit as the teams are here.]
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You must miss them. [ he offers, touched with a little affection, a little sympathy. the questions can wait. ]
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[The world is being eaten alive, and the stress of this game would only compound what they're carrying. Better it's Kyoko instead of them.]
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... Do you really think it was fate?
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I've seen what happens when the human host and the Digimon don't align. The data corruption would have been immense.
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Makes sense. Do you - this may be an odd question, I suppose. Do you feel like 'Kyoko Kuremi'?
[ even now that it's all over. ]
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[Or is it another oddity to add to the list?]
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It makes perfect sense. You're very much Kyoko to me.
[ even after learning all this wildin information. she's still kyoko!
of course, this talk about identity and memory and being a person seems like it summons a visitor. by which i mean, a stupid little pig skitters right back across their path, and this time, the memories seem to be from fei du's point of view... ]
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The ways humans act and the ways humans suffer. The kind of training someone like Fei Du goes through in order to be different to the person his father wanted of him. The electricity that he puts his body through.
She isn't one to judge.
How could she, when she's never been human herself?
She lets it hang on the air for a moment.]
I don't think of you as a monster.
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it's not the response he's really expecting, but... should he be surprised? fei du looks up at her from where he was sort of loss in the sauce of his own memories, feeling the phantom ache of electric shock long after it's over.
it means a lot to come from kyoko, really, because fei du knows she gets it, in a way that maybe no one else can. (at least - at least not anymore.) ]
...Thank you.
[ fei du says, soft, as he takes his gaze away, exhaling the tension that comes from the stupid memories.]
I don't either. [ not when he's been so careful to make sure he's trained himself well. ]
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She watches as he looks away, doesn't reach out this time. Thinks better of it for now. Sometimes people need time to process, and this particular memory seems heavy. For him. For anyone.]
Good.
[That he doesn't see himself as a monster.]
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and, eventually: ]
... I think that if I make one false move, I will become one. I don't intend to do that.
[ no matter what it takes. ]
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You're human. You're not the type to forget it.
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Barely.
[ barely human, that is. ]
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I'm not human at all.
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[ it comes with a quiet, humorless noise, a shake of his head. ]
Someone like Wenzhou and someone like me couldn't even be compared.
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He is very human.
[So normal in comparison to the two of them.]
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[ fei du says, quietly. for all of their bickering and fooling around, he believes this with every part of his being, though he'd never, ever say it to wenzhou's face. ]
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[ She doesn't see why he wouldn't, with how close the two of them are. ]
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[ incredible ]
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[ teasing, though. ]
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[Teasing right back.]
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