[She hums thoughtfully. Yeah she's pretty sure Kaveh would eat shit if he tried to attack Shenhe. But she also thinks that somebody would've had to do a lot of work to make sure they didn't retain a bunch of injuries after fighting her.]
We have quite a few not human people here. [And Libby's reasoning makes sense to her, but at the same time. She didn't like it.]
when this memory ends, fei du ends up smiling - despite the direness of the situation, kyoko's calm demeanor reflects onto him, and by the end, he tilts his head to look at her as it fades. (he eyes the pig still in the room.) ]
A knight in shining armor, to the end? [ cute. ] I could see it.
[ he nods, quiet and thoughtful. fei du is social, but with someone like kyoko, this side of him often shows through - he's dissecting the memory in his own brain, quiet and thoughtful. a good listener, if she wants it, and someone who wants to understand on his own, if she doesn't.
eventually: ]
... Alphamon, then. Should I mix that name in every once in a while, for flavor?
and right then, that dinky little pig decides to come back and drops off one more memory. ]
[ the case of lu guoshen ends right around new years, and you find yourself conversing with his younger brother, one lu jia, someone you know very, very well. after all, lu jia has been in your employ for a little while now; he's a fat man with a round belly who is a shockingly good right hand, who acts as bodyguard to people who need it and runs errands for you in one of your fancy cars no matter how dangerous they are. he's a good person, trustworthy and brash and a little strange. you think the two of you might be friends.
it's not his fault his older brother turned out to be a serial killer, but it still affects him. as the two of you discuss the case in your car, you sit and listen to him dissect his own feelings, in his rambling, low voice. it's gotten quieter, since you started, as he describes what it's like to live with trauma. you pick it up where he left off, and as your sentence ends with Even if the trauma passes...
lu jia continues. "It doesn't pass. These things never pass. Even though they've caught the killer, it's still the same. 'If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you'. I don't know whether you've had that feeling." he shakes his head. "Sometimes, I feel like I have a mental disorder, and living is pointless."
you're silent as you consider this, but you do reach out and pat his broad shoulder twice. lu jia laughs. "I love talking to you, even though you sit there the whole time and only say a few words."
it makes you smile, just a little. ] According to social etiquette, I should say something to console you. For example, something like, ‘Everything passes. Time will one day make you lose your memories and intellect, so of course it will also heal your wounds.
[ you hear a familiar car horn honk, twice, and something in your chest flutters. you gaze past lu jia for a moment. ] But that’s all nonsense. Even if you wanted hear it, I wouldn’t be inclined to say it.
[ lu jia laughs - the noise is loud and bright in contrast to the quiet of before. he rags on you, talking about how if he was a pretty girl, you'd probably say all the right things, and something about that sticks, too. because he's right - because you know you can put on a mask and be anything anyone wants you to be. but lu jia is starting to see through that, and you find yourself allowing little parts of your real personality to shine through. it's not just him - this slightly healthier version of you is attributed to the person honking his horn like a hooligan in the city bureau parking lot across the way.
you smile a little in spite of yourself. ] Then it’s good fortune to be plainer looking. It’s not easy to hear the great truth from me. Lao Lu, I’m not inclined to say it to you, but I talked to a pretty little girl recently and have some words ready-to-hand. Will you listen?
[ lu jia looks surprised, but he nods as you turn to him fully and begin to speak, calm. ]
Each person can be molded by external things. Environment, luck, the people they like, the people they hate…even a person like Lu Guosheng, who makes you want to peel off his skin and rip out his tendons. Murderers use trauma to mold a part of your flesh and blood. That’s a fact, whether you’re willing or not. [ those are the words of your father. the words that he wanted you to be, really, the things he wanted of you. to mold others. to control them. you tilt your head a little. you smile. ]
If it were me, do you know what I’d do? I’d cut off that piece of flesh, let out that bowl of blood, then take an axe to the deformed bones underneath and smash them. I’m not the person gazing into the abyss. I am the abyss.
[ the smile you give him is just a little menacing. it's the closest to truth you've ever given someone, a layered statement that shows your core. that hints at the things fei chengyu tried to do to you; that hints at the way you fought back, the way you've torn yourself apart to ensure that you'd never, ever, ever be like him.
a mood, something ominous, develops in the car, but before either you or lu jia say anything, there's another impatient honk of a horn, braying and obnoxious. you blink, close your eyes, and then sigh and shake your head, pulling on your coat as the dramatic moment is ruined. ] What’s the rush? —Drive this car away for me. My parking situation’s tight over there. If you like it, then drive it around to your heart’s content. Happy New Year.
[ and you step out of your expensive ferarri, leaving a gobsmacked lu jia behind, and get into the junky old car belonging to one luo wenzhou, whose paw rests on the horn, looking as pleased as can be as you slide into the driver's seat. he grumbles about you taking too long as you pull the car out of the parking lot and ease onto the road towards luo wenzhou's apartment complex, and feel something in you start to relax.
--
it is less relaxing when about two minutes later you have to calmly tell luo wenzhou, "I am going to drive this car off the road." not because you are angry or a murderer or evil, but because luo wenzhou keeps sticking his hands up your shirt and attempting to feel up your thigh, and you are trying to drive. you haven't seen each other in a few days.
he pulls his hand back and brings it up to his face. sniffs his fingers, and then, to your astonishment, licks them.
"Hurry up." luo wenzhou says. "I'm starving."
--
of course, the good for nothing grandfather is asleep about five seconds later in the front seat even when you skirt the speed limit. of course, when you arrive at the janky old apartment building he lives in, he complains about being sleepy, and makes a joke about you carrying him up the stairs.
you do it anyway. even though it is very, very difficult, because he is made of muscle and your legs are already trembling when you stand up after you get him onto your back. he squawks and starts talking about how he was joking, and you carry him up the stairs anyway, exerting effort, because the two of you got into a fight a few days before you saw each other, and you -
and you love this man, you love him so much that you don't know what to do with it, because you have never, ever loved someone before and every day feels like you're learning how to. you want to love luo wenzhou so badly, you want him to know how much he means to you, and if carrying him up the stairs like he's a spoiled princess shows that and helps you do something he said you couldn't do, well, it's just a two for one victory.
so. you get luo wenzhou piggy back, and you start to carry him. wenzhou makes fun of you as you struggle up the last set of stairs. he murmurs in your ear, "I've thought of an expression."
you humor him with a hummed "oh?" as you focus. two hundred something pounds. like three more steps. you can do this. luo wenzhou laughs, soft, and murmurs in your ear. "An ancient road.”
he lifts his hand to point up the last three stairs, then puts his hand to his own ear like he's hearing the wind blow from siberia, “A west wind...a skinny horse...”
you stand up straight like you're going to drop him. he yelps, "Hey, hey, don’t, don’t, I’m sorry, I was wrong. My old bones can’t take a fall, take it easy!" and you feel smug and satisfied. you banter the entire way up the last few stairs because it kills you to not get in the last word. he tells you he's going to force you to exercise with him; you tell him you'll do it at six am, knifing at his tendency to sleep late. he calls you a name, and the familiarity of it aches.
as you make it to the final step, wenzhou finally catches on. he strokes the underside of your chin (you deeply hope you aren't sweating.) "Say, last time when we ate at Tao Ran’s, you wouldn’t even take a little coffeemaker up the stairs. How come you’re so nice today?—Have you done something to let me down these last few days? Huh?
you pause. ] One thing.
[ and you feel wenzhou still at your back, with your slight, intentioned pause. ]
I've adored you without permission. Sorry.
[ you're just being a little shit - but are you? because it's true.
as you wobble up the last step, you feel luo wenzhou's sharp breath. you set him down, the two of you fumble for the keys, and you stumble inside, wenzhou grabbing you by the scarf and bringing you around to pin you up against the door, breathlessly effusive and wanting and rewarding, you think, dimly, of your good behavior, of your willingness to let your rotted heart show.
things start to get good and are promptly ruined three seconds later when luo yiguo slinks between his father's legs - luo wenzhou steps backwards, accidentally steps on his tail, and the cat shrieks. it turns into a chaotic mess as the cat leaps onto the coat tree in the hallway, which falls over because he's fat right between luo wenzhou and yourself, it catches onto the lamp next to the entranceway and the entire thing comes crashing down in a mess of shattered glass and broken wood.
there's silence, after. luo wenzhou, interrupted, angry, grits out from between his teeth, "Today I’ll definitely stew that furry bastard.”
luo yiguo seemingly understands this, because the hellcat shrieks from where it perched itself on the last remaining standing piece of furniture in the entranceway and attacks luo wenzhou with vicious swipes of his paws, then leaps down, lands on the destroyed coat tree and sending it to splinters, and jumps back up to his cat tower, completely victorious in the face of his master.
luo wenzhou roars, "LUO YIGUO, IT'S A FIGHT TO THE DEATH, BETWEEN US!"
and the scene is so ridiculous that you can't - you just - you laugh, and you laugh, and you laugh, and it's so real and it hurts, and the idea of being the abyss in this tiny home feels one million miles away. ]
[ at least this one isn't so traumatically upsetting or private - it is a little embarrassing, though. ]
[Kyoko cares deeply for her teammates, but this is a different sort of emotion, isn't it? This is an emotion she rarely sees, even in third person. Her business isn't the type to take cases on that have anything to do with romantic advice. Though it hasn't stopped some people from coming in and trying to get them to take it.
Love in a first person view. In a memory of someone who claims to be the same as her.
The flirty smile drops for one considerably softer and warmer.]
So that's what love is.
[She understands it better now. That warmth, that ability to laugh, to let the darkness fade away until all that remains is the present moment with the person he loves.]
he's watching the pig run off, for once not deeply considering roasting it into char siu buns, mostly because he's too lost in the brief ephemera of nostalgia. that had been so stupid - the feeling of utter joy resonates in his chest like a church bell, something so unfamiliar and familiar all at once. something he clumsily put his hands on, selfishly sunk his claws into. something his.
he looks at kyoko when she speaks, and his expression's a little odd - eyes a little wide, surprised, understanding, before he huffs a soft laugh, and shakes his head. ]
...Yes. Though - [ ruefully ] I'm still trying to figure it out, myself.
[What is humanity but to take in the joys of a ridiculous moment and hold it so closely? The breadth of their emotions is so wide.
She likes humans. How couldn't she after being Kyoko for this long? Feeling the warmth of camaraderie and care. It wasn't something she experienced as Alphamon. As the 13th she acted alone, while the other 12 formed relationships between each other.
It didn't bother her then and it doesn't bother her now.]
There's nothing wrong with that. [Trying to figure it out, step by step. Like a riddle to be solved.]
[ this will be funny, in the context of their conversation on thursday night about wolfwood, because fei du really is a feral cat who had to be coaxed into love. but, it's possible. in all things, it's possible.
... ]
... I think he deserves better, truthfully. [ someone who understands. someone who knows how to love, someone who feels emotions and feelings in bright and living color, in a way that fei du doesn't, or in the way he's trying to learn. ] Selfishly, I refuse to give it up.
[Wolfwood is something to her. Something a little closer than just a friend or a colleague. Certainly not an assistant. She simply lacks the right words to really piece it together.
To cling onto the things you love with all your might. All the powers in the world couldn't get them to let go.]
[ and it's a little relieving - enough that he laughs, a quiet little noise. fei du struggles with his own humanity, but he understands the idea that selfishness is as human of a trait that love is. he can feel the worst of it with ease. it makes him human, too. ]
I tried not to be selfish - I tried to run. He just wouldn't let me. [ huff. ] Stubborn.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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We have quite a few not human people here. [And Libby's reasoning makes sense to her, but at the same time. She didn't like it.]
Only a handful of people know about me-
[oink oink.]
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well.
when this memory ends, fei du ends up smiling - despite the direness of the situation, kyoko's calm demeanor reflects onto him, and by the end, he tilts his head to look at her as it fades. (he eyes the pig still in the room.) ]
A knight in shining armor, to the end? [ cute. ] I could see it.
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You just have.
A Royal Knight's duty is their reason to exist.
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eventually: ]
... Alphamon, then. Should I mix that name in every once in a while, for flavor?
[ very lightly teasing. ]
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Hehe. It would be strange to hear it after all these weeks.
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[ the teasing picks up with her little hehe, now jokingly flirtatious, naturally silver tongued. ]
But, I'd be happy to mix it up for you, darling. Anytime you'd like.
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[ Amused and slipping right back into this unserious flirting camaraderie. ] How about Knight?
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[ he says, affectionately - honestly so.
and right then, that dinky little pig decides to come back and drops off one more memory. ]
[ at least this one isn't so traumatically upsetting or private - it is a little embarrassing, though. ]
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Love in a first person view. In a memory of someone who claims to be the same as her.
The flirty smile drops for one considerably softer and warmer.]
So that's what love is.
[She understands it better now. That warmth, that ability to laugh, to let the darkness fade away until all that remains is the present moment with the person he loves.]
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he's watching the pig run off, for once not deeply considering roasting it into char siu buns, mostly because he's too lost in the brief ephemera of nostalgia. that had been so stupid - the feeling of utter joy resonates in his chest like a church bell, something so unfamiliar and familiar all at once. something he clumsily put his hands on, selfishly sunk his claws into. something his.
he looks at kyoko when she speaks, and his expression's a little odd - eyes a little wide, surprised, understanding, before he huffs a soft laugh, and shakes his head. ]
...Yes. Though - [ ruefully ] I'm still trying to figure it out, myself.
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She likes humans. How couldn't she after being Kyoko for this long? Feeling the warmth of camaraderie and care. It wasn't something she experienced as Alphamon. As the 13th she acted alone, while the other 12 formed relationships between each other.
It didn't bother her then and it doesn't bother her now.]
There's nothing wrong with that. [Trying to figure it out, step by step. Like a riddle to be solved.]
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[ this will be funny, in the context of their conversation on thursday night about wolfwood, because fei du really is a feral cat who had to be coaxed into love. but, it's possible. in all things, it's possible.
... ]
... I think he deserves better, truthfully. [ someone who understands. someone who knows how to love, someone who feels emotions and feelings in bright and living color, in a way that fei du doesn't, or in the way he's trying to learn. ] Selfishly, I refuse to give it up.
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To cling onto the things you love with all your might. All the powers in the world couldn't get them to let go.]
That too is human.
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[ and it's a little relieving - enough that he laughs, a quiet little noise. fei du struggles with his own humanity, but he understands the idea that selfishness is as human of a trait that love is. he can feel the worst of it with ease. it makes him human, too. ]
I tried not to be selfish - I tried to run. He just wouldn't let me. [ huff. ] Stubborn.
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[Happiness. Life. Love. That warmth.]
He's got his own claws, and he's made his choices. He has decided to choose you.